Partly Cloudy, 64°
If I know anything about this world of ours, and believe me, I’ve been around long enough that I should, I know that you’re never gonna let this see the light of the day. Mark my words, this editorial will never be published in a newspaper, and if it is, why, I’ll eat my hat! See, I’ve sent in over 38 (38 and a 1/2) editorials to this paper and none of them have ever been printed. You know why? They’re crazy! As am I! I’m Crazy Roger!!!
Well listen up, because Crazy Roger has something to say, and the thing he has to say you aren’t ready to hear. I’ve been having some thoughts about the pussification of the American media and they’re not thoughts that you’re gonna publish! They’ve got sexist language in them and that’s never gonna cut it.
Another reason you’re not gonna put this in your newspaper is because it’s no good! It’s self-referential and contains almost no actual content. It’s no good to anybody. Nobody would like it! Only a crazy person would write such a thing, and only a crazier person would send it in to be published! That’s where I come in. I’m crazy. I’m Crazy Roger.
Just to make sure this won’t get published, here are some insane things I believe, all of which are guaranteed to alienate your readers. Here goes:
Moderates are the solution. If we want to fix the income gap, we’ve got to approach the issue by asking all our friends what they think and then talking about it for a long time. Maybe over brunch.
Print media is dead. Newspapers are stupid and everyone who reads them is even dumber.
Universal suffrage is immoral. Rich people’s votes should count for more. They’re rich for a reason and that is because they are better than we are!
Man-made carbon emissions represent a serious threat to the health of our world.
Good luck wading through the complaint letters if you publish even a portion of this editorial! Sayonara! That’s what I say. Sometimes I say “Lleegowitzm” because that’s an even crazier thing to say.
I don’t know what else to tell you newspaper dweebs. I don’t have anything to say, and that’s another reason you’re not going to print my words.
Lleegowitzm!!!
