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The Brown Noser

I Cannot Support Bernie Sanders Because He Was Mean To Me In My Dream Last Night

Published Friday, March 6th, 2020

Like many Americans, this year’s election is especially important to me — will we be able to pull together a winning Democratic coalition, or will we suffer another four years of Trump? There are certainly some strong candidates in the Democratic primary so far, but there’s one person we simply can’t afford to hand the nomination. I cannot support Bernie Sanders because he was mean to me in my dream last night.

Sure, Bernie has his strong points — a long track record of integrity on important issues and a massive grassroots movement with the ability to mobilize huge numbers of people who have previously been politically disenfranchised and disengaged. But what Bernie said to me in my dream last night is frankly disqualifying. We had stolen Wiz Khalifa’s car and were speeding through the Nevada desert to meet my mom in Las Vegas when, as I was driving, Bernie told me that I’d never get a date to prom and that he could dunk on me if he wanted to.

This kind of toxicity is disappointing but frankly not surprising, and it goes without saying that we cannot pin our hopes of beating Trump on a man who was so rude to me in my dream last night. If, perhaps, Bernie had leveled a personal attack against me before we escaped the giant turtle attack in Los Angeles or when we still had my middle school cell phone, I could’ve stomached it and remained supportive of his nomination bid. But Bernie had a serious lapse in judgement and chose to insult me in the middle of our journey to deliver my final paper to my professor to fulfill the Incomplete I took in my Bong Aesthetics class last semester.

In that moment in my dream, Bernie showed his true colors, and I decided I simply couldn’t consider supporting him anymore. In that moment he also literally showed his true colors, rapidly changing colors and impairing my view of the desert road we were speeding down in Wiz Khalifa’s very nice car. Not only did this reinforce my conviction that he should think about dropping out, it also interrupted my focus, breaking the continuous stream of psychic energy I had been channeling to prevent Jeff Bezos from breaking into my brain’s memories.

When Bernie told me I’d never get a date to prom and that he could easily dunk on me if he wanted to, he made my decision of who to support this primary season easy: anyone but him. I just cannot support him in light of how he treated me in my dream. I implore Democratic voters to learn about and support other candidates, read their platforms and campaign materials, talk to their supporters or attend events, and perhaps most importantly, vet these candidates in your Dreamscapes to test the quality of their character.

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