I’ve gotta say, there’s one thing that I’ve been really looking forward to about Brown. It’s not the chance to broaden my knowledge through the Open Curriculum. It’s not the idea of eating sandwiches at an Ivy League university. It’s the opportunity to feel self-important when I see my peers from more temperate climes experience their first winter.
As a Midwest native, I spent my winters shoveling feet of snow, shoveling feet of snow again after the plow drove by and waiting for the day when I could smugly chuckle at people who don’t even own a heavy coat. (For those of you who need help purchasing one, I recommend North Face. Quality gear.)
Actually, to be perfectly honest, I’m not entirely sure how this whole I-am-the-king-of-snow-so-genuflect-already-you-inferior-beings thing works. Am I allowed to laugh at people unsolicited or do I have to wait for one of them to say something? Can I parlay this whole power imbalance into some sex? Because that, as we say in the Midwest, would be pretty great.
But what’s even more great is the barrage of pussy complaints that will start coming once the temperature dips below 40. Well, start rubbing your arms, breathing into your hands and contracting your scrota, kids, ‘cause it can get a whole lot worse.
One of the great things about Brown’s community is the diverse mix of people. My roommate is from Arizona. A girl down the hall is from Puerto Rico. There’s a guy I’ve eaten sandwiches with a couple times from Morocco. Morocco! These are all people from different places with unique perspectives on the world. And these are all people who are going to flip shit when they see snow, and I’m going to get to watch them.
These same people, in turn, are going to get to watch me lord my knowledge of sledding over them like I devour block of good cheddar in front of lactose-intolerant kids.
Some people will tell you we’re all the same at heart. They claim that we all have the same feelings. That we all take the same enjoyment in eating sandwiches. But there is one undeniable factor that divides us. And that factor is whether they have fond memories of building snowmen as a young child. You say you’re color-blind? You don’t judge people based on sexual orientation? Great. But you can’t tell me you don’t assign people worth according to their experience with subzero temperatures.
I, by the way, have plenty of such experience.
I understand it can be intimidating being around someone who’s so comfortable in unfavorable weather conditions. Don’t worry. I’m sure you people have plenty of special talents of your own. It’s true that juggling or being a good listener won’t help you when the sun starts going down at 4:30, but at least you can use those skills to appease me once you’ve accepted me as your god.
Shit, it’s cold. I’m going back inside.