Hello to all you impressionable kids, I’m here to tell you that drugs are not cool and will cause serious harm if you’re not careful. And I would know: when I was young my dad once caught me stealing his acid and made me take every tab he had.
It’s important for everyone to learn about drugs’ dangerous effects. My dad knew this, which is why when he found me with the tube sock in which he stored his psychedelics he shoved seven tabs of LSD into my mouth and growled, “This is for your own good.” And he was right: now even the thought of drugs makes me start to hallucinate, so I’ll never forget how dangerous they are.
As young people at the prime age for experimentation with drugs, it’s especially important for you to understand and repeatedly familiarize yourself with the consequences of such actions. I, for example, came to understand these consequences over the course of several millennia, as all of space and time stretched out before me in a sea of fourth-dimensional quicksand which I could neither escape nor fully submit to.
Drugs have destroyed the lives of millions of people. I’m just glad I had people in my life who supported me and told me the hard truth—like my father, who told me this hard truth while our egos merged like melting wax on the ethereal plane.
Just know that you really can get high on life, and not little pieces of paper that keep you awake for 36 straight hours and make you try and play your leg hair like a harp.