Partly Cloudy, 64°
Point: I Drank Too Much and Need to Barf (By Freshman Student)
WOOOOO COLLEGE! I freakin’ love this! I swear I’m partying, like, every night. In high school, I would have been asleep three hours ago, but instead I’m pounding back beers on the basement floor of Keeney. Life has never been better!
Oh man, maybe I spoke too soon … I really don’t feel very good. I have this weird rumbling in my stomach. It’s like my stomach turned into an alcohol volcano that’s about to erupt. Maybe I shouldn’t have had that third shot of Svedka. I mean I already had two beers, so I was pretty far gone to start with.
Oh jeez; I need to hurl. But that’s what the cool kids do, right? That girl down the hall is totally going to hook up with me when she hears how hilarious it was that I ralphed.
Thank god I finally found a bathroom. This place is like a maze. So glad I live in Perkins. This is Keeney, so no one’s going to care if I get a little on the seat, right?
Counterpoint: No One Poops in Me Anymore (By Keeney Toilet)
Come on, guys. We go through this every year: You all come in bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to take on the next stage in your life. I sit here bright-rimmed and squeaky clean, ready to receive your excrement with a smile. But every time you all just go and celebrate your freedom with shots and poorly-played games of ’rut, which inevitably ends in you puking your guts out all over me. Every year I think to myself: “Maybe these kids will be different. Maybe they’ll forgo the alcohol and be satisfied with dropping a friendly deuce every once in a while.” But it never happens.
Do you know what it’s like to be puked in? Imagine if I puked all over your face. Not so pleasant, huh? I know you’re thinking, “Wait, so wouldn’t it be just as bad if someone peed and/or pooped all over my face?” It’s different. Trust me, I’m a toilet.
I just want to be appreciated for what I am. Man didn’t make toilets to hold his puke; he made puke buckets and barf bags for that specific task. Why don’t you try peeing in a barf bag … doesn’t work so well does it? All I want is for you to sit on me, do your business and leave a happier person. Even though I get clogged up, overflow, don’t flush all that well, run out of toilet paper and/or have a seat that’s way too cold, I’m here for you in your time of need, and I’m sick of being taken for granted.
