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The Brown Noser

If It Ain’t Broke, Give It To Me by Percy Williams, Collector of Nice Things

Published Friday, September 16th, 2016

Why, hello there. I’m Percy Williams and I’m here in hopes of acquiring some of your nice things. If it ain’t broke, give it to me.

If you have anything lying around in good condition but going to waste, well then give it here. Certainly don’t try to change it or monkey around with it. Just give it to me and I’ll take excellent care of it. You have my word.

Hoo boy, if there’s one thing I can’t get enough of, it’s nice things. Things that are perfect and whole and functioning. So I implore you to send those nice things my way. I’ll make good use of them.

At home, I have piles and piles of all sorts of the items I’ve collected. And I’m proud to say that, in all those piles, you can’t find one thing that’s broken. Umbrellas, clocks, and bicycle pumps all in perfectly good condition. Pipes, watering cans, and trumpets all without a single flaw.

Nice. Mmmmhhhmmm. That’s what I like. All my life, I’ve had an interest in nice things. I’ve sought them out and, during my search, I’ve seen too many people try to tinker with perfectly good things to try to make them better. Don’t take that unnecessary risk! Give them to me and I’ll appreciate them for how unbroken they really are.

So, I’ll gladly take all these nice things off your hands. This was a truly successful haul. But will I ever be sated? Will I ever have enough? CAN PERCY WILLIAMS EVER BE STOPPED? Well, I’ll be on my way. Thanks again.

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