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The Brown Noser

If You Keep Acting Like a Child, I’ll Be Forced to Concede Because I Fear Confrontation

Published Friday, September 6th, 2013

Listen, you know that your mother and I are pretty relaxed and we try not to tell you what to do too often, but in this case I’m going to have to put my foot down and say that I won’t allow you to stay in the house by yourself when we’re out of town. I’m telling you right here and right now that if you keep on trying to fight me on this then I’ll be forced to back down, because of my crippling fear of confrontation.

I’m serious. You’re not allowed to stay home alone because I said so. In addition to being a totally unfair reason, “because I said so” is literally the only thing I can lean on, and hope this argument blows over. If you persist then you’ll find that I’m quite out of ways with which I can argue with you. If you seriously think that you can start crying and begging me between sobs, then I’ve got news for you, which is that it will be so effective in changing my mind that it will likely influence all future discussions concerning your autonomy.

Look, you know that saying you wish I was dead is immature and childish. Not only does it hurt my feelings, it also genuinely makes me scared for my life. And don’t you dare run to your room and slam the door. Do you remember what happened last time you decided to do that? It made me extremely anxious and upset, and I was on the verge of tears. Is that something you want to deal with again? Well, you likely won’t have to because I’ll be too afraid to bring it up ever again.

All I’m asking for is a little understanding and patience. When you’re older you’ll understand the kind of position that I’m in, although you’ll likely be stronger—physically and mentally—and therefore better suited to defend that position. For now, this discussion is over. If you somehow go against me then you need to realize that there will very likely be absolutely no consequences.

Please don’t tell your mother.

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