Sunday, December 17, 2017
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The Brown Noser

If the Earth Is a Sphere Than How Hasn’t the Smithfield Slugger Ever Hit a Ball Into Orbit?

Published Friday, December 1st, 2017

As a flat-earth believer, I’ve heard every lazy explanation out there to cover up the earth’s true shape. But there’s one thing that simply can’t be explained by every “equation,” “theory,” and “satellite image” out there: if the earth is a sphere, then why hasn’t any of Neil “the Slugger” Manny’s home runs ever gone into orbit?

For those of you who may not know: the Slugger from Smithfield is the best power hitter in the Ocean State. He’s hit fastballs, curveballs, knuckleballs, and sliders out of more parks than I can count, and people expect me to believe that he couldn’t hit one out of the atmosphere of a “round earth” and into orbit? No way.

As for the so-called “satellites” “circling” earth: If they were up there, Manny would’ve knocked at least one of them down. That man has a swing more powerful than any theory of gravity can account for. Boy, he makes Smithfield proud.

Present every theory and model of a circular earth you want. Until one can explain why at least a few of the Slugger’s balls aren’t orbiting us daily, I won’t believe it.

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