Friday, October 20, 2017
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The Brown Noser

I’m Beginning To Find It Unprofessional That My Doctor Pulls Out A Can Of Chef Boyardee During All My Check Ups

Published Friday, September 15th, 2017

Before I begin, let me say that I like my doctor. He always asks about my family and greets me with a smile. But I’m starting to become concerned about the can of Chef Boyardee he faithfully produces in the middle of all my check-ups.

Listen, I’m not one to judge what my doctor eats. Just… I never thought it was normal for physicians to slurp down a full can of Beefaroni while discussing my medical situation. Am I crazy? Is this a normal part of every procedure? Most of the time, I feel very comfortable in his office, but I can’t help but flinch when he starts banging the can of Boyardee against the corner of his desk to open it. Does he not have a can opener? Shit, what am I thinking — doctors don’t carry kitchenware to work. But doctors don’t carry challenging canned meals to work either… or did I miss something? I am in desperate need of a point of reference here.

Maybe eating during a check-up is a part of the profession. But his timing is so very confusing. I went in last week for a physical and was just about to answer the question about my sexual activity when he shoves his nose and mouth into a can of Chef’s Ravioli to loudly suck out the last bit of ground beef. That definitely felt a bit unprofessional… or am I being harsh? Should I just let the man eat?

I don’t want to complain — this guy did help me clear up my chronic rash problem last month. What I’m trying to say is that it may have been a better experience without him spilling SpaghettiOs all over the exam table. Am I overreacting? Is tomato paste a topical ointment? The rash is gone. If you’re currently in medical school, I’d appreciate if you could fill me in on clinical canned food policy.

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