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The Brown Noser

I’m Pretty Sure Puppets Will Never Become Sentient, But I Treat Them Really Nice Just In Case

Published Friday, March 17th, 2017

Look, I know that all my puppets are just made of cloth and string. I’ve double-checked many times, so I’m aware that it’s physically impossible that they would become sentient. But just in case they do, I make sure that their outfits are clean and their strings aren’t tangled, because if they came to life, they’d probably want to move around freely.

I know that the names I’ve given them aren’t official, like, they don’t have birth certificates or anything that proves they’re real U.S. citizens. But if they did want to go abroad, I made sure to get them little passports, if they have somebody they wanted to visit who lives in Europe or something. I don’t know if the passports would hold up at border patrol, so I’d probably just go with them to talk to the agents, because I’m a good friend, and travel can be stressful.

Of course they don’t have physiological needs, I know they’re not hungry or anything. But just in case they came to life and wanted to eat, every day I put out a little platter of finger sandwiches so they would be able to feed themselves. I know that because they’re toys, they don’t have food preferences, but I feel like they’d like egg salad, so I always make sure that I prepare some egg salad sandwiches for them.

I know that they don’t have hopes and ambitions, because they’re made of fabric and everything, but if they did, I made some basic outlines of dream boards for them to fill out, so they could plan to be an astronaut or scientist or anything they wanted to be. I know their hands don’t actually operate, but if they did, they could use the tape and sample images I printed out to create the best dream board for them.

I know that they won’t come to life. I know it. But if they do, and if they don’t like how I’ve treated them, I’ve laid booby traps all over my house to catch them before they can hurt me. But even so, I pick one every night to cuddle with me, because I know that I like to feel loved, so if a puppet were to have emotional capabilities, it would probably like to feel loved too.

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