Monday, November 20, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Bianca Stelian

Writer

Bianca's articles

Freshman A Little Too Enthusiastic About Co-Ed Bathrooms | Nov 03 2017

Devin Reynolds ’21 has been showing too much fondness for the co-ed bathrooms in his dorm, sources on the second floor of Jameson report. “Freshman are usually a little bashful around the whole co-ed bathroom thing," said Reynolds’s floor RPL Monica Pickett, adding that it usually takes freshman two or three weeks to get used to it.

Baby Left On Firehouse Steps Grows Up to Become Surprisingly Mediocre Fireman | Nov 03 2017

Leo Krames, the famous ‘firehouse baby’ who was dropped off at Denver Fire Department back in 1988, has reportedly grown up to be only a somewhat decent fireman. “I’ve known Leo since he was just a few days old,” said fire chief Dan Mathers.

Magician Wishes He Could Get Cut In Half for Once | Nov 03 2017

Local magician Mauricio the Magnificent has been getting frustrated with his normal routine, sources report. “I just want to know what it’d be like to be the center of attention instead of the one handling all the logistics behind the magic,” Mauricio was heard saying to longtime assistant Crystal.

Brian’s Fun Fact Not That Fun | Sep 15 2017

While introducing himself in a senior seminar, Brian Donaghy ’18 provided an underwhelming detail about his life that would serve as his first impression for weeks to come. “The fun fact is a classic ice breaker so I thought everyone just came in with a default one they had tried out and workshopped a couple times,” said classmate Stella Morales, saying she thought she knew what to expect.

Uber For Gondolas Only Works in One Place | Sep 15 2017

In a company press release issued last Tuesday, Uber has reported its failure to find success with its latest venture into gondola ridesharing anywhere outside of Venice. “Times have been tough for Uber lately but this gondola thing has really been hitting us where it hurts," said Roman Vorp, an Uber board member.

Child With New Library Card On Massive Power Trip | Apr 21 2017

Sources report that local eight-year old Dora Perriman is letting the power of her new library card get to her head. “I was helping her pick out books, and suggested she try ‘Charlotte’s Web,’ but she insisted on going straight to ‘Infinite Jest,’" said librarian Ralph Carruthers, scrolling through Perriman’s checkout history, which included a great deal of James Joyce.

Freshman Desperate for Companions Decides Same Allergy Enough to Build Friendship On | Mar 17 2017

Lydia Carroway ’20 has reportedly befriended fellow freshman Max Rathburn, who shares her allergy to nuts. “I was at Health Services to pick up a prescription, and in came this beautifully swollen boy who was having a severe reaction to some pistachios he’d unknowingly eaten.

Tips Offered in “How to Sleep Better” Article Clearly Tailored to Author’s Life | Mar 17 2017

Citing the oddly specific nature of the advice offered, readers of the recently published Buzzfeed article “How to Sleep Better” are noticing that the tips are clearly tailored to the author’s life, sources report. “I got to the one about laying out the roach traps in case they come up through the floor again, and I just wasn’t sure how that could apply to me.

I’m Pretty Sure Puppets Will Never Become Sentient, But I Treat Them Really Nice Just In Case | Mar 17 2017

Look, I know that all my puppets are just made of cloth and string. I’ve double-checked many times, so I’m aware that it’s physically impossible that they would become sentient. But just in case they do, I make sure that their outfits are clean and their strings aren’t tangled, because if they came to life, they’d probably want to move around freely.

“I Voted” Sticker Pretty Much Fused To Obnoxious PoliSci Student’s Skin At This Point | Dec 09 2016

Sources report that several weeks after the presidential election, junior Marcus Cunningham is still wearing his “I Voted” sticker. “The election didn’t turn out the way I expected but I’m still happy I was able to do my part,” said Cunningham, gently smoothing the ruffled edges of his sticker so that the worn out adhesive would still stick.