Tuesday, December 18, 2018
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The Brown Noser

Bianca Stelian

Writer

Bianca's articles

Little Kid’s Christmas Wish List Weirdly Introspective | Dec 07 2018

Local seven-year old Billy McFadden took his parents by surprise this week when he reportedly showed them a Christmas wish list that was oddly introspective. “Last year, he wanted a mini trampoline,” said his father Calvin. “This year, the first thing on his list was ‘patience.’ I usually spend hours shopping for exactly the right gift, but I have to say, I don’t even know where to start with this one.” “Usually we do a good job making the kids happy if their wishes aren’t the easiest," added his mother Pauline.

My Face Really Looks Like That by Pablo Picasso | Dec 07 2018

I know my paintings have been labeled as “cubism.” I understand that the art world likes to classify them as bizarre, unrealistic, and whimsical. But please believe me when I say that my face really looks like that. They tell me that I’m creative, that I’m whimsical, that I’m an iconoclast to paint something so bizarre.

The Tunnels Under The Ratty Are Real, But I Need Christina Paxson’s Hand In Marriage Before I’ll Tell You How To Find Them by Gus the Groundskeeper | Dec 07 2018

Gather round, children. Do you want to know a secret? Good. Secrets are my specialty. I’ve been keeping the grounds of this institution for decades now, and I’m swimming in Brown’s mysteries. Tonight, I reveal to you the greatest one of all: the tunnels under the Ratty are real.

Mom At Restaurant Pronounces Every Menu Item In Language Of Origin | Oct 26 2018

Local mom Theresa Clarke reportedly enunciated everything on the Gepetto’s menu with a heavy Italian accent while out for dinner with her family, sources report. “I’m fourth generation Italian and I’ve never rolled my ‘r’ on arancini as long as she did,” noted waiter Ross Trigo as Clarke pronounced “ziti” with fourteen syllables.

Empty Nester Mom Fills Void By Applying Sunscreen On Strangers | Sep 14 2018

Local mother Tamara Lewis has been seen applying sunscreen to complete strangers as she copes with her recent empty nester status, sources report. “I used to make sure my Jimmy blocked up every inch of skin exposed to the sun,” Mrs. Lewis explained while carefully scanning the crowd for strangers susceptible to sunburn.

Dad Wielding Tongs At BBQ On Massive Power Trip | Sep 14 2018

Sources report that local dad Patrick Sencer, while talking to guests at his recent family BBQ and wielding tongs, was experiencing a massive power trip. “He’s usually nothing like this,” explained Linda Sencer as her husband schooled the neighborhood children on proper burger flipping technique.

Brown In Denver Summer Meetup Just Chuck | Sep 14 2018

Sources report that a recent Brown summer meetup in Denver, Colorado was only attended by sophomore Chuck Mathers. “I’m from the East Coast but I had gotten an email about this so I assumed others would be going as well,” said Mathers, standing by a single bowl of chips on the designated Brown event table.

Freshman A Little Too Enthusiastic About Co-Ed Bathrooms | Nov 03 2017

Devin Reynolds ’21 has been showing too much fondness for the co-ed bathrooms in his dorm, sources on the second floor of Jameson report. “Freshman are usually a little bashful around the whole co-ed bathroom thing," said Reynolds’s floor RPL Monica Pickett, adding that it usually takes freshman two or three weeks to get used to it.

Baby Left On Firehouse Steps Grows Up to Become Surprisingly Mediocre Fireman | Nov 03 2017

Leo Krames, the famous ‘firehouse baby’ who was dropped off at Denver Fire Department back in 1988, has reportedly grown up to be only a somewhat decent fireman. “I’ve known Leo since he was just a few days old,” said fire chief Dan Mathers.

Magician Wishes He Could Get Cut In Half for Once | Nov 03 2017

Local magician Mauricio the Magnificent has been getting frustrated with his normal routine, sources report. “I just want to know what it’d be like to be the center of attention instead of the one handling all the logistics behind the magic,” Mauricio was heard saying to longtime assistant Crystal.

Brian’s Fun Fact Not That Fun | Sep 15 2017

While introducing himself in a senior seminar, Brian Donaghy ’18 provided an underwhelming detail about his life that would serve as his first impression for weeks to come. “The fun fact is a classic ice breaker so I thought everyone just came in with a default one they had tried out and workshopped a couple times,” said classmate Stella Morales, saying she thought she knew what to expect.

Uber For Gondolas Only Works in One Place | Sep 15 2017

In a company press release issued last Tuesday, Uber has reported its failure to find success with its latest venture into gondola ridesharing anywhere outside of Venice. “Times have been tough for Uber lately but this gondola thing has really been hitting us where it hurts," said Roman Vorp, an Uber board member.

Child With New Library Card On Massive Power Trip | Apr 21 2017

Sources report that local eight-year old Dora Perriman is letting the power of her new library card get to her head. “I was helping her pick out books, and suggested she try ‘Charlotte’s Web,’ but she insisted on going straight to ‘Infinite Jest,’" said librarian Ralph Carruthers, scrolling through Perriman’s checkout history, which included a great deal of James Joyce.

Freshman Desperate for Companions Decides Same Allergy Enough to Build Friendship On | Mar 17 2017

Lydia Carroway ’20 has reportedly befriended fellow freshman Max Rathburn, who shares her allergy to nuts. “I was at Health Services to pick up a prescription, and in came this beautifully swollen boy who was having a severe reaction to some pistachios he’d unknowingly eaten.

Tips Offered in “How to Sleep Better” Article Clearly Tailored to Author’s Life | Mar 17 2017

Citing the oddly specific nature of the advice offered, readers of the recently published Buzzfeed article “How to Sleep Better” are noticing that the tips are clearly tailored to the author’s life, sources report. “I got to the one about laying out the roach traps in case they come up through the floor again, and I just wasn’t sure how that could apply to me.

I’m Pretty Sure Puppets Will Never Become Sentient, But I Treat Them Really Nice Just In Case | Mar 17 2017

Look, I know that all my puppets are just made of cloth and string. I’ve double-checked many times, so I’m aware that it’s physically impossible that they would become sentient. But just in case they do, I make sure that their outfits are clean and their strings aren’t tangled, because if they came to life, they’d probably want to move around freely.

“I Voted” Sticker Pretty Much Fused To Obnoxious PoliSci Student’s Skin At This Point | Dec 09 2016

Sources report that several weeks after the presidential election, junior Marcus Cunningham is still wearing his “I Voted” sticker. “The election didn’t turn out the way I expected but I’m still happy I was able to do my part,” said Cunningham, gently smoothing the ruffled edges of his sticker so that the worn out adhesive would still stick.