While introducing himself in a senior seminar, Brian Donaghy ’18 provided an underwhelming detail about his life that would serve as his first impression for weeks to come.
“The fun fact is a classic ice breaker so I thought everyone just came in with a default one they had tried out and workshopped a couple times,” said classmate Stella Morales, saying she thought she knew what to expect.
In a company press release issued last Tuesday, Uber has reported its failure to find success with its latest venture into gondola ridesharing anywhere outside of Venice.
“Times have been tough for Uber lately but this gondola thing has really been hitting us where it hurts," said Roman Vorp, an Uber board member.
Sources report that local eight-year old Dora Perriman is letting the power of her new library card get to her head. “I was helping her pick out books, and suggested she try ‘Charlotte’s Web,’ but she insisted on going straight to ‘Infinite Jest,’" said librarian Ralph Carruthers, scrolling through Perriman’s checkout history, which included a great deal of James Joyce.
Lydia Carroway ’20 has reportedly befriended fellow freshman Max Rathburn, who shares her allergy to nuts. “I was at Health Services to pick up a prescription, and in came this beautifully swollen boy who was having a severe reaction to some pistachios he’d unknowingly eaten.
Citing the oddly specific nature of the advice offered, readers of the recently published Buzzfeed article “How to Sleep Better” are noticing that the tips are clearly tailored to the author’s life, sources report.
“I got to the one about laying out the roach traps in case they come up through the floor again, and I just wasn’t sure how that could apply to me.
Look, I know that all my puppets are just made of cloth and string. I’ve double-checked many times, so I’m aware that it’s physically impossible that they would become sentient. But just in case they do, I make sure that their outfits are clean and their strings aren’t tangled, because if they came to life, they’d probably want to move around freely.
Sources report that several weeks after the presidential election, junior Marcus Cunningham is still wearing his “I Voted” sticker.
“The election didn’t turn out the way I expected but I’m still happy I was able to do my part,” said Cunningham, gently smoothing the ruffled edges of his sticker so that the worn out adhesive would still stick.