Thursday, July 27, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Bianca Stelian

Writer

Bianca's articles

Child With New Library Card On Massive Power Trip | Apr 21 2017

Sources report that local eight-year old Dora Perriman is letting the power of her new library card get to her head. “I was helping her pick out books, and suggested she try ‘Charlotte’s Web,’ but she insisted on going straight to ‘Infinite Jest,’" said librarian Ralph Carruthers, scrolling through Perriman’s checkout history, which included a great deal of James Joyce.

Freshman Desperate for Companions Decides Same Allergy Enough to Build Friendship On | Mar 17 2017

Lydia Carroway ’20 has reportedly befriended fellow freshman Max Rathburn, who shares her allergy to nuts. “I was at Health Services to pick up a prescription, and in came this beautifully swollen boy who was having a severe reaction to some pistachios he’d unknowingly eaten.

Tips Offered in “How to Sleep Better” Article Clearly Tailored to Author’s Life | Mar 17 2017

Citing the oddly specific nature of the advice offered, readers of the recently published Buzzfeed article “How to Sleep Better” are noticing that the tips are clearly tailored to the author’s life, sources report. “I got to the one about laying out the roach traps in case they come up through the floor again, and I just wasn’t sure how that could apply to me.

I’m Pretty Sure Puppets Will Never Become Sentient, But I Treat Them Really Nice Just In Case | Mar 17 2017

Look, I know that all my puppets are just made of cloth and string. I’ve double-checked many times, so I’m aware that it’s physically impossible that they would become sentient. But just in case they do, I make sure that their outfits are clean and their strings aren’t tangled, because if they came to life, they’d probably want to move around freely.

“I Voted” Sticker Pretty Much Fused To Obnoxious PoliSci Student’s Skin At This Point | Dec 09 2016

Sources report that several weeks after the presidential election, junior Marcus Cunningham is still wearing his “I Voted” sticker. “The election didn’t turn out the way I expected but I’m still happy I was able to do my part,” said Cunningham, gently smoothing the ruffled edges of his sticker so that the worn out adhesive would still stick.