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The Brown Noser

In Decisive Win For LGBTQ+ Community, The Unabomber Was Not Gay

Published Friday, February 5th, 2021

In an historic win for America’s LGBTQ+ community, infamous domestic terrorist Ted Kaczynski, known as the Unabomber, was not gay.

“This is a huge moment for queer people everywhere,” said director of GLAAD Mara Cox in a teary-eyed public statement. “We didn’t necessarily think he was gay but he definitely could have been, and that’s a scary thought. I’m so proud that little queer kids everywhere can grow up knowing that the subject of the longest FBI manhunt in history was straight.”

A drawn-out investigation into Kaczynski’s Wikipedia page revealed that he did in fact have a wife. This discovery prompted residents of gay neighborhoods in cities around the country to dance in the streets.

“The closest thing I can liken this moment to is Stonewall,” continued Cox in a speech broadcast live on every major network. “We’re a community that has suffered huge defeats, both with John Wayne Gacy and Ursula from The Little Mermaid. But with the Unabomber spending life in prison attracted to women, we in the LGBTQ+ community can breathe easy and maybe begin to feel hope again.”

At press time, in a stunning setback to the queer community, Princess Diana of Wales was not a lesbian.

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