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There are only so many jobs available, and you’re not the only one about to enter the market with a freshly minted degree. If you really want to succeed, you’ve got to stand out from the millions of faces, which is why I skin my competitors and sew their faces onto my own, wearing the visage of another like a grotesque mask.
It’s not the most intuitive solution, sure, but if you really want to make it out there, you’ve got to think outside of the box, or even outside of reasonable standards for human behavior — you may be surprised with what you find. I’ve found that the rotting, putrid flesh I sew onto my face gives me an easy talking point in interviews, and the unnatural smile that I’ve teased the skin into gives the interviewer the subconscious impression that I’m just a friendly guy. Garnish with the word “KILL” spelled out in blood on the ol’ résumé and voila! I’ve got myself a one-way ticket to jobland.
Career “experts” will tell you that the secret is getting your foot in the door, but what they won’t talk about is how effective getting someone else’s bloody, dismembered foot in the door can be at letting your company contact know you’re leaps and bounds ahead of the competition. In fact, I can do you one better! Try FedEx-ing a steak of virgin thigh meat to let her know you’re a “cut above” the rest, or make her choose to save either her lover and her 8-year-old daughter as you dangle them both over the roof of the company headquarters to prove that you’ll do whatever it takes to make that first impression count. The subtle hint that you have the capacity for brutal, senseless murder can never hurt either.
With so many qualified, fleshy applicants out there, many companies are sorting through cover letters trying to get a sense of who would be a good fit. What better than showing up howling ancient curses, wearing nothing but a necklace of shrunken human skulls to send the message that you work hard AND you play hard.
Most importantly, make sure that whatever path you take is your path. It’s a dog-eat-dog economy out there, but that doesn’t mean you have to eat a dog, although I’m certainly not saying you shouldn’t. They want to get to know you, so whether you plan on painting cryptic signals on the walls of the boss’s office with his own blood, have a creative edge and are considering sending a video where one of your victims tearfully reads out your qualifications before you end their life, or just need to put in a few hours practicing your handshake, make sure it’s about you.
