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The Brown Noser

International Student’s Superior Healthcare System Offset by JUULing Habit

Published Friday, March 8th, 2019

Health insurance experts at The Cato Institute have found that sophomore Giuseppe Esposito’s superior healthcare system is neatly cancelled out by his excessive JUULing habit. While the Italian student has access to comprehensive health coverage, his fondness for the e-cig product means he will likely spend as much on healthcare as the average college student.

“Mr. Esposito is an Italian citizen and is therefore subscribed to a healthcare system ranked 2nd by the World Health Organization," head researcher Dr. Bradley Smith explained. "However, our reports also indicate he frequently enjoys Mango, Mint and Creme JUUL-pods, dramatically exacerbating his risk of respiratory and cardiovascular disease.”

“If he were an American citizen, his premiums would be toast, and he could expect to spend thousands of dollars on the associated medical conditions. However, because of his citizenship, he just about breaks even!”

As of press time, researchers were still crunching the numbers on Esposito’s habit of zipping around on a moped without a helmet.

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