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The Brown Noser

Internship Tells Rejected Applicant This Year’s Pool Wasn’t Very Big Or Impressive So They Probably Just Suck

Published Friday, March 12th, 2021

Sources close to the situation report that rejects from this summer’s Goldman Sachs internship have been told that this year’s pool of applicants wasn’t particularly large or talented so they probably just suck.

“After long and careful consultation, the acceptance committee was unable to find anything exceptional about this year’s pool of applicants,” the email read. “So we unfortunately are forced to conclude you are just kinda trash.”

“The committee is further forced to assume due to this internship’s lack of prestige within the field, you really should look into another line of work,” the email continued. “Then again, given the lack of difficulty of this field as a whole, you honestly might just be bad at everything, and probably shouldn’t even bother to look elsewhere either.”

“We spent this spring searching not very far or wide for applicants to this not especially important internship,” Sachs’ Executive Vice President of Company Growth Cannady Kincaid responded when asked for further comment. “So as much as we hate to say it, we were not very happy to get applications that failed to meet even this low bar, and we really have to question what exactly these applicants will ever be good for.”

At press time, the professor of a capped seminar told students he wasn’t too upset to leave them out of the class.

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