Partly Cloudy, 64°
You’ve heard it before, and you’ll hear it again: it’s every man for himself out there. You’ve heard it even more since all the dogs in the world were infected by a plague of radioactive fleas and began devouring everything in sight. It’s a dog-eat-dog, dog-eat-man, dog-eat-all world, but our only hope is to fight back together.
I realize this may seem confusing, given that “dog-eat-dog” has heretofore indicated a metaphorical situation in which everyone should only mind one’s self. So I want to make myself very clear—dogs are actually eating other dogs. They are also eating humans, as well as tables, dirt, houses, and everything else. Considering this, it would be best for everyone to band together behind a common, anti-canine banner, instead of just looking out for number one.
It didn’t take long for man’s best friends to turn on each other, their masters, and everything else in the world. Normally, you might think that this means you should hole yourself up alone and not concern yourself with humanity as a whole. That is not the correct course of action! You should join the Anti-Mutant Dog Resistance Movement. Humanity’s best chance to survive is through collective action. Whoever coined the phrase was wrong—dogs eating each other is actually very terrifying to watch and not something you should have to go through alone.
They’ve taken some of our best—Bo left our nation’s president mangled and torn in the rose garden, that Air Bud dog devoured the entire Lakers starting line, the Queen’s corgis spilled royal blood, and Lassie, well, let’s just say that wells are the least of Timmy’s worries. We’ve been left with no choice but to strike back with whatever means are at our disposal. Key word: “our.” It’s important that we’re pooling our resources and working together.
The Geneva Conventions prohibit biological warfare, but we’ve lost too many good men and women to hesitate on laying out chocolate traps. And after the friends we’ve lost, we can’t be afraid to use stern “No!”s, click-clickers, and bring the travel crates up from the basement. Of course, we will also be using advanced assault weaponry and targeting enemy hotspots with strategic drone strikes. If they’re going to eat us, we’re going to make damn sure we rub their noses in it.
If we as humans refuse to succumb to the canine menace, if we refuse to stand idly by while dogs tear our faces off and scarf down our intestines like so much kibble, we must choose to fight. I am prepared to lead that charge.
