Partly Cloudy, 64°
I’m going to start this off with something simple. Sexism exists. It’s real, folks, and it’s bad. Sexism means women getting paid 79 cents on the dollar, it means women’s reproductive rights being under constant threat, and it means women going without role models in positions of power. So I ask you, isn’t it time we, as a nation, elected a WOMAN PRESIDENT who could order military drones to murder children and look fierce doing it? Yes, I am talking about Hillary Clinton. I trust her to make the tough call and send an unmanned predator drone to shoot missiles at toddlers.
Put yourself in the place of a little girl. Your name’s Tanya, you’re seven years old, and you’ve always wanted to order the most powerful military in the world to murder everyone at a wedding in a far-off land. You page through your history book and see man after white man and then Barack Obama. You raise your hand. “Mrs. Malenfant, how come there are no women neo-colonialist Presidents?” Mrs. Malenfant doesn’t have an answer for you. She starts crying.
Is that the world we want to live in? A world where little Tanya doesn’t believe she can be elected to America’s highest office running on a platform of massive global intervention and capricious regime change? I’ll tell you what, that’s not the world I’ve spent years fighting for. So let’s take this opportunity to help Tanya’s violent imperialist views come to fruition. Let’s elect Hillary Clinton president of the United States.
This is a HISTORICAL MOMENT, people. When else has a woman ever earned so much in speaking fees from corporations largely responsible for economic collapse? When else has a woman ever stood up for gay rights at the exact moment when it became politically expedient and gotten people to LISTEN? For the first time, a woman is the presumptive nominee for a major political party. And in terms of always supporting hawkish and ultimately disastrous foreign policy efforts in the Middle East, Hillary has always been consistent. This is a woman who voted for the Iraq War as a senator and helped sink Libya into a civil war when she pushed for regime change as Secretary of State. That’s the kind of experience continuing America’s bloody interventionist legacy that we need in the White House. That’s the kind of experience that helps you convince yourself that it’s fine that several small children had their bodies torn apart by shrapnel from a drone strike you ordered. She’s the WOMAN for the job.
Hillary has proved herself! She’s ready! She’s shown that she can be just as short-sighted and ruthless as the best American presidents. If there’s an emergency somewhere in the world and a red phone rings asking the president to okay an operation that involves a stealth drone blowing a pediatric ward in Mosul to kingdom come, she’s the one I want answering that call.
And she’s STRONG. When Netanyahu inevitably comes begging to Congress to ask for funding to blow the shit out of a Palestinian orphanage, she’s the one I trust wholeheartedly to GIVE. HIM. THAT. MONEY.
This year, it’s not just about whose economic policies are designed to reassure the wealthy donor classes. It’s not just about who we trust to lead this country. It’s not even about policy at all. This year, we have the chance to make history. For the first time ever, it could be a woman giving the Joint Chiefs the final go-ahead on a tactical strike that will end 30 toddlers’ lives. I say we go for it.
