Friday, October 20, 2017
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The Brown Noser

It's Your Lucky Day, Kid. That Man You Just Set On Fire Is The Best Fireman In The World. You're Off The Hook This Time.

Published Friday, September 15th, 2017

That was a close call, kid. Today could have had a very different outcome had the man you set on fire not been the best fireman in the world. You’re off the hook this time but don’tt set anyone on fire again. Next time, you won’t be so lucky.

That’s why you should never play with matches, kid. You never know when one’s gonna slip out of your hand and land on the man next to you. Thank your lucky stars it wasn’t any normal man but, instead, Chief Charles Walnut: the best fireman in the world.

A normal man wouldn’t have been able to locate and then use a fire extinguisher as effortlessly as the Chief did. That was something special. And even when the spark from the match was igniting his wool jacket and exponentially growing in intensity, he was able to explain to you why depriving a fire of oxygen would put it out. You better remember everything he said, kid.

Next time, you’re not gonna get off so easy. No way the next man you light on fire will be able to take control over the situation like the Chief. Did you see how quickly he was able to put out the blaze? How calm he was even while the flames began to engulf him? Now that’s talent.

Look me in the eyes and promise me you won’t try any of this funny business again, pal. Not everyone who accidentally sets someone on fire gets a second chance like this. Look, Chief Walnut’s on his way out now. Sure, his jacket’s a little covered in soot but, other than that, there’s not a scratch on him. This was just another day at the office for him. He didn’t even bat an eye when that lit match of yours landed on him. A normal man would have lost his mind.

I once saw Chief Walnut deescalate a three alarm apartment fire in a matter of minutes. When he shows up at the scene, other firemen bow down to him. Plus he drives the firetruck, too. That’s why being lit on fire was such small potatoes for him. Stopping, dropping, and rolling is second nature to him. For other people though, being set on fire would be way out of their control.

I hope you’ve learned your lesson, kid. I gotta go now and make sure the Chief is okay. Plus I want to see if I can ride in the firetruck.

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