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Turning bookshelves are turning heads as the dizzying discovery of an enormous secret saloon in the Sciences Library has gone public. The discovery was made by Joan Slattery ’12.5 and Paul Azara ’12, who were reportedly on the thirteenth floor of the SciLi “having sex” when they came across a shelf jutting out from the rows of books embellished with bottles of fine liquor on one side and fine literature on the other.
“Yo, promise you won’t tell anyone, but I totally found a stash of booze in the SciLi,” whispered Azara, grievously unaware of a certain journalist’s cleverly concealed pair of promise-nullifying crossed fingers within the front pocket of his skinny jeans.
Further investigation has indeed exposed the shocking truth: the SciLi has been moonlighting as a night club for most of the summer, known affectionately by summer students as the Skyyscraper.
“My suspicions were first piqued when the bouncer sitting at the front desk wouldn’t accept my Brown ID as a valid form of identification and drew an X on my hand with a black permanent marker,” began summer program counselor Amanda Chisburn ’12. “Actually, no, my suspicions were probably first piqued when I noticed that the SciLi had a bouncer working the front desk.”
Other club patrons, like Sanford Celek ’11.5, who were merely trying to be diligent summer students, only realized the strangeness of the situation in hindsight. “I distinctly remember warning the DJ that his pulsating ten foot bass speakers were almost certainly in violation of the 0 decibel sound limit, but he simply handed me a cup of what he told me was coffee and urged me to relax. Next thing I knew I was being awoken in bed by my Orgo professor who, by the way, is much prettier with her hair let down and takes impossibly long showers. I still got an A on the Orgo test I had been studying for in the first place, so I never complained to anybody.”The bar was abruptly shut down when patrons received a phone call from Ruth Simmons, who revealed that she would be home from summer vacation in twenty minutes and that she expected the entire SciLi to be spotless by the time she arrived.
“She wasn’t supposed to be home for another three days!” bemoaned bartender/DVD salesperson Nate Westbrook ’11. “We gotta clean this place up pronto!” The following twenty minutes entailed a building-wide tidying so massive in scale that it would make the mother of the inventor of the
team-building exercise understand that her son’s life calling was not simply “faggoty day camp for grownups.”
“We almost got busted when Ruth arrived,” began lobby foodvendor/disk jockey Cyberscape. “She was so close to opening the copy of ‘The Nutty Professor 2’ where I hid my flask; it was crazy. And it’s a good thing she took the stairs, ‘cause she would’ve gotten full-on ‘The Shining’ with red wine if she had gone for the elevator.”
Ultimately, Ruth Simmons has taken full responsibility for the oversight of the perversion of one of Brown’s most beloved academic buildings. “I should have known that it was beer cans, not the wear and tear inflicted by overly affectionate students, that caused the plush couch to be so lumpy. I now see that the only PDA here is my own public display of absentmindedness.”
An apology from club founder/janitor Eli Scrupwich has been issued in response.
“My actions were as irresponsible and dirty as the graffiti I wash out of the bathroom stalls. What started as a small drinking carrel for me and my buddies quickly got out of hand, and I am to blame. I was drunk with both power and jungle juice, and for that I am sincerely sorry.”
In the end, the news has caused a great deal of unrest in the community, partly because of the far-reaching legal ramifications of this heinous scandal, but mainly because students are sad that they have no choice but to go back to Fish Co.
