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Simon Bradford ’15 yesterday expressed his massive disappointment in the Brown custodial corps, which he claims has “completely failed” to act as a source of charmingly ethnic mentors.
“Where are the world-weary journeymen with hearts of gold?” asked Bradford, in his formal complaint yesterday to the Department of Facilities Management. “Where’s the raffish Polack who helps me finally learn to talk to girls? The wizened Vietnam vet who gently opens my eyes to the value of hard work? Christ, even a middle-aged Latina with broken English and a surprisingly raunchy wit would be a better new best friend than this bunch of jerks.”
Bradford has spent the bulk of the last several months trying to ingratiate himself with University cleaning staff. Despite numerous casual conversations in the hallway, follow-up house calls and gift baskets, his efforts have thus far failed to yield results. According to the United Service and Allied Workers of Rhode Island, not a single custodian has as yet reorganized his life around Bradford’s personal problems.
Custodian Jim Jeffries, whose work area includes Bradford’s Morris hallway, recalled meeting the freshman early in the year.
“Weird kid,” recounted Jeffries. “Plenty of students stop and chat, but this was the first time I’d heard all of some kid’s family problems and inner demons by week two. Thing was, whenever I mentioned my sons or my interest in classical guitar, he’d yawn real loud and say he just had to catch a power nap. Like, every single time.”
“It’s been a real experience for me,” said Bradford. “Meeting people from completely different backgrounds, who have probably experienced so many completely different things than the things I’ve experienced, and sharing with them all the things I’ve experienced.”
However, his search remains incomplete. Bradford has yet to find a mentor among University staff with just the right combination of cheeky deference and down-home wit.
“All I want is to make a real connection,” said Bradford. “All I want is to cross class boundaries, and all I want is for everyone to recognize how great I am for doing so. Is that really so much to ask?”
As of press time, Bradford was wandering the hallways, occasionally yelling to no one in particular that he knew it all, and sure wasn’t no stiff-necked janitor with worldly wisdom in his head and a twinkle in his eye going to come along and change his life, no way.
