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The Brown Noser

Jewish Middle Schoolers Missing Important Opportunity To Grind In Front Of Parents

Published Friday, March 12th, 2021

Due to the ongoing pandemic, Jewish middle schoolers have missed out on the important opportunity to grind in front of their parents.

“Personally, I think I’d be an entirely different person if I hadn’t grinded on Danielle Baumstein at Ezra’s Bar Mitzvah in 2015 while my parents were somewhere nearby,” reminisced Jack Schwartzinger, still hearing “The Wobble” pulsing in his brain. “I don’t know if they were actually watching, but I can tell you I definitely didn’t check. I’ve operated the rest of my life under the assumption that they were watching, though.”

Sources report that due to COVID-19 restrictions, hundreds of thousands of Jewish boys across the country will never smugly sit in the backseat of their parent’s car on the way home from a Bar Mitzvah, wondering if they should address the fact that everyone — parents, friends, relatives — definitely saw them grind on multiple people.

“It’s a real shame these kids aren’t going to be able to live that experience. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re all pretty stunted. Not just sexually but emotionally and spiritually as well,” added Schwartzinger, intensely staring off into the distance. “Yeah, wow. It really makes you think. What’s gonna happen to these kids? I just don’t know.”

At press time, Jewish middle schoolers across the country were grinding through Zoom and dropping the link in their family group chat.

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