Making good on his campaign promise, President Joe Biden has reportedly reinserted the soul into America during a painful, 8-hour laparoscopic surgery. “No one expected this to be an easy procedure,” said Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, who assisted with the laparoscopy. “It’s invasive, Joe is 78 and has no surgical experience, and America has a history of soul-related procedures. Those factors in combination made this a high-risk undertaking.” Murthy reports that the nation is under observation and resting comfortably, and an endovascular operation is in the works to restore the nation’s sense of pride.

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