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After extensive research and testing, experts report that the John Carter Brown Library can only be entered by direct descendants of John Carter Brown.
“I’ve spent my entire time at Brown trying to get just a glimpse behind those doors. No matter what I do, I just can’t get within 10 feet of the entrance. I’ve studied every text documenting the history of the building. Hell, I even dressed up as a janitor once to confuse it,” confessed Mitch Felton ‘25 as he demonstrated by running at the library doors, only to be halted abruptly by an invisible barrier. “I need to know what they’re hiding from me. These walls bear secrets that could shake this campus to its very core.”
“I realized I’d been missing just one last piece of the puzzle this entire time. I was missing the key. But now, he who was foretold has shown himself; open, ye wretched gates!” proclaimed Felton, visibly trembling with anticipation as he ushered Nicholas James Brown III ‘28 through the heavy library doors, now open and pulsating with arcane power. “The great-great-grandson of John Carter Brown himself. Now I have everything I need to discover the secrets hidden within these hallowed halls.”
“Yeah, it was kinda cool in there, I guess,” reported Brown while brushing the dust and cobwebs off his jacket. “There were, like, a bunch of old books and stuff. To be honest, it was smelling a bit moldy.”
At press time, it was discovered that the Wellness dorms were only accessible to students with a 120/80 blood pressure.
