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The Middle East experienced total peace for the first time in thousands of years yesterday, resulting from a conference led by Secretary of State John Kerry, in which regional leaders were swayed by the fact that the diplomat was an American.
Eyewitnesses report that upon arriving at the war-torn area of the world, Kerry embarked upon a tour-de-force of American charm and strength, metaphorically raising himself up by his bootstraps, while displaying a can-do attitude that citizens of the Middle East had never seen before. Self-imposed peace broke out immediately.
“Personally, I was skeptical whether yet another attempt by foreigners to fix our part of the world had any chance of success,” said Iranian President Hassan Rouhani. “But I think everyone involved really underestimated the sheer Americanness of John Kerry.”
“He showed us how we, too, can be a free and prosperous nation if we just act like Americans,” said Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel. “But what really sealed the deal was Secretary Kerry’s positive attitude and his insistence on cooperation being the pathway to success. We honestly hadn’t considered that before.”
The peace treaty, known as the Kerry Accord, was signed by every Middle Eastern leader at 3:30 p.m. The signing occurred moments after Kerry delivered a rousing speech to the state leaders, asking, “Why don’t we stop fighting? I know it will take some hard work, but I believe in us, and if we succeed, there will be peace. Together, we can do it.”
“I wish we had known a few years ago just how helpful Americans can be,” said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. “That could’ve saved us lots of stupid fighting.”
As of press time, the entire Middle East was clamoring for Kerry to be given the Nobel Peace Prize on the spot.
