The Middle East experienced total peace for the first time in thousands of years yesterday, resulting from a conference led by Secretary of State John Kerry, in which regional leaders were swayed by the fact that the diplomat was an American.
Eyewitnesses report that upon arriving at the war-torn area of the world, Kerry embarked upon a tour-de-force of American charm and strength, metaphorically raising himself up by his bootstraps, while displaying a can-do attitude that citizens of the Middle East had never seen before.
A band of Somali pirates attempting to rob a shipping vessel on Tuesday were shocked when the captain of the boat happened to be none other than Academy Award-winning actor Tom Hanks.
Upon noticing the actor, the pirates began to disembark the freighter, not wanting to disrupt his daily routine.
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