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In an effort to use up a surplus of milkshake supplies, Jo’s has begun offering a 300 oz milkshake in exchange for 14 meal swipes.
“Our regular milkshakes were a moderate success, but our 300 oz milkshakes have been a massive success,” yelled Vice President of Dining Services George Barboza over the whir of 30 milkshake machines struggling to keep up with demand. “Bigger is better. A lot of calorie-conscious students have been asking for more options in the dining halls, so it only seemed reasonable to offer our new beloved milkshakes in a bulk option. Our 300 oz shake provides nearly 10,000 calories and over 3,000% of the recommended daily sugar intake.”
“Do not get this monster of a shake. Worst mistake of my life,” groaned Amanda Nicholson ‘26, violently ill after finishing the entire 300 oz milkshake in one night. “Not only did I cause my intestines to do a factory reset, but I ran out of swipes for the week on a Sunday. Now I’ll have to hope my body has enough energy to survive until next Sunday’s monster shake.”
“I’m actually a big fan of this 300 oz shake. Other people have been trying to finish it all in one sitting when they should be savoring it slowly,” said Blake Hurst ‘27, who could be seen taking the small bucket to their lectures and sipping from it intermittently throughout the week. “Of course, the shake gets a little rancid toward the end of the week, but for such a bargain, I can deal with that.”
At press time, VDub was experimenting with micro meals for one hundredth of a meal swipe.
