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The Brown Noser

Junior Confident That Free Version Of Meditation App Will Cure Existential Crisis

Published Friday, November 3rd, 2017

With an air of overconfidence, junior Noah Montgomery declared on Wednesday that his latest existential crisis will undoubtedly be dealt with thanks to the free, 10-day trial of the Headspace meditation app.

“Meditating for about a week really should do the trick,” stated Montgomery, a Philosophy concentrator who spiraled into a state of panic upon the realization that he only has a razor-thin buffer of three more semesters before the real world hits. “I think that I’ll emerge with a fully-formed idea about my overall purpose in life- including how I’m going to use my major.”

While Montgomery’s attempt to solve the age-old question of “what am I going to do after college?” with the free version of an already dumbed-down crash course on the ancient art of meditation has been questioned by some, there are those who share in his blind optimism.

“Headspace worked well enough for me when I was trying to get over the life-altering ‘B’ that I got last semester in Orgo- it can definitely do the same for Noah.” chimed in Montgomery’s roommate, fellow junior Tim Liao. “I mean, there’s a reason that it has 4.3 star rating in the App store.”

“Honestly, I was initially at a loss for how to cope with these overwhelming feelings of dread,” reported Montgomery, who has yet to do any of the readings for his Philosophy course, “The Meaning of Life.” “But then it hit me: technology is literally the answer to everything these days, so an app is a fail-proof solution.”

Aside from determining his life’s direction once and for all, Montgomery is also hoping that his foray into the world of app-assisted meditation will alleviate ever-increasing fear of eternal oblivion. Although he admits that he might need to buy the $10 full version for that.

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