Friday, July 19, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Brendan Pierce

Writer

Brendan's articles

Parents Realize Midway Through Campus Tour That They Actually Don’t Have Kids | Apr 19 2019

Sources report that New Jersey couple Erik and McKenzie Sanford suddenly remembered halfway through their recent tour of Brown University’s campus that they didn’t have kids. “I was asking the tour guide about the club baseball program,” explained Erik, “But when I looked around for my boy, I remembered that my wife and I made the call a long time ago not to have kids.” The couple reported that Brown was the third stop on their weekend college road trip to some of the top schools in the northeast.

Even I Think That PETA Is Really Obnoxious by Factory Farm Pig #3276 | Mar 08 2019

Look, it’s not that I don’t appreciate what PETA is trying to do for all of us, but sometimes I just wish they would chill out a little bit, ya know? It’s like, thanks for your advocacy guys, but forcing veganism on everyone through shame tactics really isn’t doing me any favors.

CareerLAB Tells Non-Profit Recruiters To Try Again When They Have Some Of That Sweet, Sweet Cash | Dec 07 2018

Asserting that it’s really all about that bottom line, the CareerLAB politely told non-profit organizations that they can forget about on-campus recruiting until they can somehow offer more of that “sweet, sweet cash.” “Just the phrase ‘non-profit’ makes me gag a little,” confessed Matthew Donato, Director of CareerLAB.

Oh Look, The Computer Science Students Are Whining Again | Oct 26 2018

Hearing loud complaints such as “my code won’t work and there’s literally no reason that it shouldn’t” and “I haven’t seen the sun in three days”, Brown’s entire campus recently became aware that the computer science students were, in fact, whining once again about their chosen concentration.

Brown Football Player Torn Between Which Brown Football Sweatshirt To Go With Today | Apr 20 2018

Holding up two nearly identical options, sophomore football player Jimmy Giordano declared himself hopelessly unable to decide between his gray Brown University football hoodie and his black Brown University football hoodie. “It’s tough because they’re both excellent options,” stated Giordano, who plays left tackle for the Bears.

Ratty to Add “Providence River” As Fourth Water Tap Option | Dec 01 2017

The Sharpe Refectory recently unveiled the addition of a “Providence River” tap selection to its arsenal of water options. “The moment we made the call to distinguish flat water from cold water, we knew that we just couldn’t stop there,” stated Sean DeBobes, manager of the Ratty.

University To Replace S/NC Option With Simple “Good Noodle” and “Bad Noodle” Categories | Dec 01 2017

In an attempt to further simplify the grading system for its Ivy League students, the administration recently announced plans to replace the Satisfactory/No Credit option with a dual-category system of “good noodle” and “bad noodle.” “At Brown we focus on cultivating an environment of personal growth through open-minded education,” stated Jerry McLean, the head of the Office of the Registrar.

Recent Oil Spill in Providence River Has Gotten People Pretty Excited for the Next WaterFire | Dec 01 2017

After dozens of barrels of oil fell from the back of a tanker truck into the Providence River last week, people are now really looking forward to seeing what goes down at the next WaterFire. “Honestly, WaterFire was starting to get a little bland,” said local librarian Kristine Hoffmann.

Junior Confident That Free Version Of Meditation App Will Cure Existential Crisis | Nov 03 2017

With an air of overconfidence, junior Noah Montgomery declared on Wednesday that his latest existential crisis will undoubtedly be dealt with thanks to the free, 10-day trial of the Headspace meditation app. “Meditating for about a week really should do the trick,” stated Montgomery, a Philosophy concentrator who spiraled into a state of panic upon the realization that he only has a razor-thin buffer of three more semesters before the real world hits.

Man Whispers "Parkour" To Self After Jumping Down Bottom Two Stairs | Nov 03 2017

Feeling an irrepressible burst of pride for his display, insurance broker Leonard Fishman simply couldn’t resist whispering “parkour” to himself after leaping down the final two stairs in front of his apartment building on Sunday. Sources report that Fishman stumbled when landing but still whispered “hell yea” after.