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Chief Justice John Roberts announced at a press conference Tuesday that he prefers to think of the Supreme Court as a group of nine crime solving pals instead of just the nation’s final judiciary authority.
“What people don’t realize is we’re so much more than just the highest court in the land,” Roberts remarked. “We’re also terrific friends, friends who like to get to the bottom of things when things start smelling fishy.”
Roberts went on to say that he was the leader, Sonia Sotomayor was the beauty, Ruth Bader Ginsberg the brains and Clarence Thomas the brawn.
“Anthony Kennedy is the guy that’s always like, ‘We shouldn’t go in that old, abandoned mansion or whatever.’ Samuel Alito is the professor. Elena Kagan is the new kid on the force. Stephen Breyer is the cerebral guy with some sort of score to settle. Antonin Scalia always has some crazy, screwball thing to say—so he’s the funny one. The gang’s all there.”
According to sources, Roberts has recently brought this new pet theory into the court room, referring to cases as “capers” and drawing up lists of who should go with whom in the likely event that the Justices should have to split up to cover more ground. Reportedly, he has also taken to shouting, “a clue!” whenever admitting evidence, repeatedly trying to catch examined witnesses in the old, “I never said he died by poison” trick, and referring to himself as a “boy genius.”
At press time, Roberts was in talks to option away his life story as a Saturday morning cartoon franchise.
