Sunday, December 17, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Keanu Reaves’ Fidget Spinner To Explode If It Stops Spinning

Published Friday, September 15th, 2017

After busting into a middle school classroom unannounced, famed actor Keanu Reaves produced a fidget spinner and loudly exclaimed that if the rotating toy stops spinning, it will explode. “Everyone get down!” shouted the action film veteran to a room of screaming adolescents. “If this thing reaches a rotational velocity of 50 rpm or less, Dennis Hopper’s going to blow me and all you motherfuckers to kingdom come!” A teacher’s assistant reportedly started for the door before Reaves delivered a swift roundhouse kick to her temple and screamed “No one’s going to be a goddamn hero!” all while gently holding his neon green spinner aloft. At press time, students watched in horror as Reaves attempted several fidget spinner tricks to impress the feisty red-head teacher in the front.

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