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According to sources, local 9-year-old Ryan Avery is running around the pool at speeds that suggest he has some sort of death wish. Paying seemingly no heed to warnings issued by community pool lifeguards, Avery has been rounding the pool’s slippery periphery with a certain devil-may-care confidence that can only mean the deep-end certified third-grader has thrown caution to the wind in an adrenaline-fueled flirtation with his own mortality. “Running around the pool is incredibly dangerous, and Avery knows it,” remarked Ben Jacobs, community lifeguard and witness to Avery’s stunning display of poolside braggadocio. “But that won’t stop him. Never has, never will. It’s like he’s got nothing to lose.” At press time, Avery ate five chicken tenders and refused to wait 20 minutes before diving into the pool, laughing in the face of a God he clearly has no faith in.
