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Calling animal welfare a core concern of Kraft Foods, CEO John Cahill reassured consumers last Tuesday that Oscar Mayer pigs play in open fields with chihuahuas and become YouTube famous before they are slaughtered, sent down a conveyer belt, and made into hot dogs.
“We take animal welfare very seriously and allow our pigs to live full lives in factory farms,” Cahill told reporters. “We even have a YouTube channel called ‘Oscar’s Gang.’ Check out the video of chihuahuas being chased across open acres of land by a squealing pig named Fancy if you’re looking for a laugh. He’s adorable.”
“You’d certainly find millions of hits, subscribers, and comments that prove our pigs become famous before becoming Lunchables,” he added.
In response to allegations of antibiotics in pig feed, Cahill played a video of a Mayer pig eating corn on the cob, repeatedly rewinding to when the pig hiccuped and smiled.
“Our Iowa factory makes miniature burritos for our piglets to share with baby chihuahuas at tiny tables,” Cahill told reporters. “This is an example of Oscar Mayer’s commitment to the health of every pig. We have family values here. I can say with confidence that all our happy animals have plump little legs, squiggly tails, and millions of hits on their YouTube sub-channels.”
Cahill swiftly addressed reports of cramped livestock cages with a video of smiling pigs wearing cowboy hats and dancing to music.
When questioned about the use of meat fillers, Cahill was handed a pig and a baseball-hat-wearing chihuahua swaddled in a blanket together by his assistant. “Meet Pigi and Chiwiwi, our most famous pig and her life companion. Pigi spends her days swimming with Chiwiwi on her back and climbing up playground slides. She has been on the Today Show and she will also become a hot dog tomorrow. I hope that answers your question.”
At press time, Cahill was seen explaining how the chihuahuas are trained to wave goodbye to pig companions heading to the slaughterhouse, the place where they’re ripped apart and squeezed into cellulose casings.
