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Citing a fear of excluding certain students, Brown LGBTQ President Gary Harmen ’12 announced that the organization will be adding some more letters to its name.
“We were thinking a ‘P,’ maybe some ‘R’s,” Harmen speculated at Friday’s queer community meeting. “We can’t be sure what people will be into — prisoners, rodents, cloth — so we’ve got to cover all the bases.”
The President’s announcement came in response to a series of complaints received by various University offices over the past month. Sources confirm that at least twenty-three students have reported being discriminated against for being attracted to any of an assortment of different things.
“You’d think a place like Brown would be ready to accommodate someone who is sexually attracted to, say, the printed word,” scorned Eric Mercer ’14, self-identified printasexual.
Mercer and a number of other uniquely-oriented students have not only sent concerned emails but also held a Main Green demonstration where they engaged sexually with everything from canoes to ham.
Said one student, romancing the Southern-facing wall of Faunce House, “Princeton is much more progressive than Brown claims to be. Their LGBTQ has most of the alphabet and even a few numbers.”
Harmen reassured the Noser staff that he is “totally cool” with whatever students want to get intimate with. He has since promised the Brown community that he will add a symbol of some kind to represent the turn-on of each constituent student and faculty member. At press time, Mercer was rock hard.
