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The Brown Noser

Lawyer-Detective-Doctor-Senator Doesn't Know What He's Supposed To Watch To Relax

Published Friday, March 6th, 2015

Detective John Samuels, M.D., Esq., (R-RI) reportedly has nothing to watch on television.

“When I head home after a long stakeout after a long shift at the hospital after a long day getting votes together for my charter school bill after hours preparing for my upcoming trial, I just want to relax in front of the TV,” reported Samuels, who also has to make time to raise his angsty 14-year-old daughter Megan and rambunctious 4-year-old son Tommy on his own. “But it all just reminds me of work.”

Samuels has reportedly tried everything. “My three idiosyncratic roommates like to watch sports, but I can’t ever watch with them because I have to play in all the games,” said Samuels, who is a quarterback for the Cleveland Browns and the starting point guard for the Kings, Lakers and Clippers. “And it doesn’t help that so many of the news stories are about me.”

Samuels, who has been described by friends and rivals alike as tough, uncompromising, conniving, a loose cannon, compassionate, a damn good surgeon, sarcastic, well-meaning, and fair, manages to put away criminals, resolve political crises, and save lives at roughly a rate of one per week. Despite his heavy workload, Samuels still finds time to watch some television at the end of the day. He just wishes there was more variety.

Expressing interest in dating again, Samuels mentioned that he is planning to invite 10 or 12 random women into his house for a few months just to see what happens.

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