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Despite Noemmi and Ivy’s affection for each other, recent reports indicate they were fundamentally unable to discuss something other than a man during their first date.
“I have no idea what happened. Every single topic we talked about centered a man,” stated Ivy ’27, who feels bewildered that they managed to talk about the barista, their brothers, their male friends, boy bands, landlords, fathers, favorite male professors, Dean Zia, and Robert Kennedy before ever talking about themselves. “She’s really cool. But, I ended up learning absolutely nothing about her, except for the men in her life.”
“And the date was long. We got coffee, then we went for a walk, and then even studied together in the library,” continued Noemmi ’26, who probably leads a rich life full of passions and interests despite also being a woman. “We were together for hours and talked about many different things. Although, all of them were men somehow.”
At press time, their lesbian hookup was just for the male gaze.
