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Saying that he’d prefer the comfort of salaried, professional employment, local man John Roberts decided Monday to pass up a life of crime in favor of a six-figure salary in the profession of his choice. “I considered things like petty thievery and kidnapping for ransom, even organized stuff like gangs, but at the end of the day I figured I’d rather work a well-salaried position in finance or law,” Roberts said, adding that his socioeconomic status and level of education in no way affected his decision in either direction. “I understand why people choose to go into crime—the adrenaline, the high payoff, the sense of danger—but at the end of the day I think it’s just not for me. Unlike some folks, I’d rather enter a field in which I’m paid a massive salary, wear a nice suit, and own an expensive car. It’s just my preference.” At press time, Roberts nearly moved into an affordable housing complex unreachable by public transportation, but decided instead to buy a multi-million dollar mansion.
