Partly Cloudy, 64°
In a head-to-head matchup, it is almost certain that Lil’ Debbie would not even hold a candle to the prowess of Big Deborah.
“I’m so fucking scared,” said Lil’ Debbie’s agent Mario Balhaus, biting his nails and pacing about his office, sweat pouring down his sideburns. “You want my honest opinion? My actual, real feelings on the situation? I think that she and the rest of our team are totally fucked. We’ve sunk millions of dollars into this endeavor. MILLIONS. But there’s just no way that Lil’ Debbie could possibly win against a powerhouse like Big Deborah.”
“Debbie? Oh, we haven’t seen her in days,” continued Balhaus, chewing vigorously on the ends of his fingers. “She knows that if she were to ever try to challenge Big Deborah, she would be toast in a matter of minutes. Smashed flatter than a classic, delicious Lil’ Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie™. I have dedicated my life to my belief in Lil’ Debbie and every beautiful ideal that she represents for this country. But there is just no getting around the fact that she will most certainly lose against Big Deborah. I’m – I’m so sorry. Please leave me here.”
At press time, Slim Jim was pulverizing Slender James.
