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The Lincoln Memorial security team recently released a PSA, urging visitors to refrain from giving the statue of Abraham Lincoln a kiss on the lips.
“I mean, you don’t get into this line of work without having some particular feelings for ol’ Honest Abe,” said chief of security Lenny Fischer. “We unfortunately have to ask the public to refrain from climbing up on his supple, trunk-like thighs, tenderly stroking his marble beard, and giving him a long, wet, lasting smooch.”
“On average, I’d say it’s happening maybe five to six times a day,” continued Fischer. “And I get it – we all would love to wrap our tiny, fragile limbs around his long, sinewy neck, stare deep into his dark, complicated eyes, pretend to playfully tousle his soft, wavy locks, kick up one of our back legs, and just lose ourselves in his perfect, plush lips until the sun explodes. Apparently I have to write an incident report for it every time. So please, do not kiss the statue of Abe Lincoln when you visit the National Mall this summer. Or, if you do, at least try not to use tongue.”
At press time, the security team was struggling with visitors trying to hump the Washington Monument.
