You have to listen to me, kid, because I don’t have much time. When Julia Louis-Dreyfus comes in here, do not make direct eye contact. Understand? Quick, I hear her coming.
I know you think you’ve just been invited to the set of VEEP to get an autograph but this is all part of something much bigger than that. I get that this is all very confusing but you have to trust me. The only way you’re leaving here alive is by not meeting her stare. She’s going to be charming and witty and kind, but do not fall into her trap.
Shhhhhhh. She cannot know that I’m here. She thinks that her goons got rid of me last year and that I’m dead. Just listen. I know how much you want to tell her that she deserved way more than one Emmy for her work on Seinfeld, but it’s not worth it. Shake her hand but keep your head down. Do not, under any circumstances look up. She’ll try to win you over by doing some of her lines from Seinfeld. You’re going to want to look so bad. Don’t let her win.
Quick, duck into this closet. This should give us an extra minute or so. Forget what they’ve told you. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is no saint. Her fame and charm are the web and we’re the flies. And when you make eye contact with her, she’s got you. Don’t try any tricky stuff like looking at her through a mirror or reflection. I’ve seen men way better than you try that and fail.
Be ready for her to make promises. She may say that, if you just look into her eyes for a second, she’ll get you a walk on role on VEEP’s seventh season. If you do that, she will suck all the life from you and leave you hollow. Kid, do not underestimate her. She’s capable of anything.
I hear her outside the door. Go. Get out there and remember what I’ve told you. No, don’t worry about me. I’ve slipped out of situations worse than this. And if I can’t escape, it’s about time Julia and I met face to face.