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The Brown Noser

LitArts Class Requires Writing Sample, Gallon Of Your Tears

Published Friday, September 25th, 2020

Sources report that LITR1730, Fiction In and Out of Genre, requires both a writing sample and a gallon of your tears for admission into the class.

“On the first day of the semester, all students not already registered in LITR1730 must submit a gallon of their tears and a writing sample by 4 pm to the Literary Arts building at 68.5 Brown Street," said Literary Arts professor John Holmes. "Permission to register will be based on review of the writing sample and the tears, with criteria including maturity of expression, originality, and saltiness.”

“It’s a good way of winnowing down class sizes,” explained Professor Holmes. “Students must prepare their application for months in advance, and obviously only the moodiest, most introspective young writers can muster up that much tear fluid.”

Dropping off her application in a milk jug on the first day of classes, senior LitArts concentrator Liz Lange was hopeful that this would be her year. “I’ve still never taken a class in the department, so this would be nice,” she said, pouring the contents of her application into the vat marked ‘LITR1730’. “I’ve spent the last three weeks leaning over this jug, thinking about Donna Tartt and the short lifespan of dragonflies and trying to fill this thing.”

At press time, classes in the Theatre Arts and Performance Studies department required a headshot and a six-minute self-choreographed dance on the life of Georgia O’Keeffe.

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