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The Brown Noser

Local Business Going To Start Pathetic Little Instagram Account

Published Friday, March 6th, 2020

Sources reported Sunday that local business Zephyr Pastries is planning to start a pathetic little Instagram account.

“We’ve been trying to expand our business,” explained founder and manager Grant Andante, fiddling with the Instagram app on his phone. “What better way to do that than with a pathetic little Instagram page? We can reach upwards of 20, 30 people and show them what we’re all about, assuming they read our posts.”

“I was thinking of cornering one of my 20-something cashiers and appointing them our Social Media Manager but not paying them any extra for it,” Andante continued. “Then they’ll just take care of the posts — something good would be a picture of some of our nicest pastries with a caption for a special promotion, but it gets 4 likes, no comments, and no one uses the promotion.”

“This could really be a game changer,” Andante said excitedly. “I think 10, 15 pitiful posts on there would really generate some buzz. Nothing like excitement that barely conceals the quiet desperation of trying to make it in food service to attract customers!”

At press time, Andante was brainstorming a dogshit, indecipherable username.

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