Herbie Jenkins? It’s me, Archie Spats. Boy have I got the story of a lifetime. You sitting down? This just might be the thing that’ll save this good for nothin’ city. Y’know how you’ve been sayin’ you’re lookin’ for a real underdog story? Well have I got the underdog for you. Herbie, this is the kinda kid you could only dream of. His name’s Sammy Saltsworth. He’s a star, but he’s facing near certain defeat. His father? Get this, the Chief of Police. Sammy’s going up against the Cramer’s boy in a tennis match this Friday. Yes, as in the Cramer Crooks, the biggest damn crime family in the whole goddamn city. That’s the thing, Chief Saltsworth’s son can’t serve to save his life, that Cramer boy is set up to cream him! But if Cramer creams the Saltsworth boy, Chief Saltsworth’ll lose his grip on law and order in this town. Meanwhile, if Saltsworth wins, lord knows what the Cramers might do. Why, they could cry foul, couldn’t they? Anarchy unleashed across the city, no matter the outcome? But there’s just one thing. Folks are sayin’ that Cramer boy’s prone to bouts of, shall we say, “panic-induced hysteria?” I heard he’s got a real propensity for soiling the bed, but you didn’t hear it from me. If Cramer craps his crib, the family won’t have any reason to fault Chief Saltsworth. Herbie, don’t you see? This could be an olive branch, a Camp David! Chief Saltsworth and Corey Cramer will both be there. Folks are sayin’ they might shake hands and end this horrible conflict once and for all! You’re not gonna want to miss this one, Herbie. There’ll be reporters there from miles around. Outcome of this match could predict our next election cycle, or more. Be there, but hey, be careful. That place’ll be crawling with cops, robbers, murderers, and mayhem. You’ll want to keep your head on a swivel, Herbie. Be safe now, and remember, a reporter’s first allegiance is always to the story. Now go.

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