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The Brown Noser

Love Life Absolutely Insane By 19th Century Courtship Standards

Published Friday, September 16th, 2022

Engaged in a romantic rendezvous for the ages, sophomore Claire Kane has a love life that is absolutely insane by 19th century courtship standards.

“He’s totally checking me out from the water bottle refill station right now,” said Kane, staring at her suitor from across the Sci Li, titillated by the prospect of a short-term, morally depraved romance beyond the sacred bond of wedlock. “He’s everything I could ever ask for in a casual hookup: an even temper, sizable fortune, and fondness for Thursday nights at the GCB. Something’s definitely going to happen between the two of us!”

Eager to advance the relationship, Kane plans to reside in her dorm all day, waiting for her suitor to call upon her via text or Snapchat.

“I’m hoping to receive an invitation to his pregame this weekend,” added Kane, absolutely enthralled by a relationship that hasn’t even entered the talking phase yet. “An intimate gathering of that kind is the perfect place to start a romance. Who knows? Maybe I could even sit near him – in the presence of chaperones, of course!”

Despite the lack of interactions between Kane and her potential paramour, she’s confident that her days as a twenty-one-year-old spinster will soon come to an end.

“Just wait till you hear about this scandalous dalliance,” added Kane, returning her beloved’s suggestive stare with an agreeable smile. “Our shoulders brushed while we were taking a turn about Barus & Holley, and the moment has consumed every waking thought of mine since. Can you imagine what would happen if we held hands?”

At press time, Kane’s career aspirations were only deemed inspirational for a woman by mid-20th-century social standards.

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