Partly Cloudy, 64°
As teams prepare for the regular season, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred recently announced the debut of an “Ass Cam” to highlight brilliant players’ brilliant buttocks.
“Major League Baseball is constantly researching ways to improve the spectator experience. With the new Ass Cam, we are making a truly thrilling experience for enthusiasts of the male buttocks,” said Manfred as a devious little smirk crept up his face. “With the MLB Ass Cam, fans can be sure that they’re always getting the best view of the action, if you know what I mean.”
“The MLB Ass Cam represents the next major step in sports innovation. Whether it’s Mookie Betts flashing the leather in the outfield or Juan Soto hitting bombs from the batter’s box, the MLB Ass Cam always puts the delightful derrière front-and-center,” continued Manfred, fanning himself with his hand as the camera zoomed in on a preposterously prominent posterior. “Now fans can have their cake and eat it too, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.”
“Initial feedback for the Ass Cam has been positive, but we have received some criticism that it detracts from the game to have a camera aimed directly at players’ magnificent tuchuses for several consecutive minutes,” added Manfred, who single-handedly advocated for the Ass Cam’s implementation. “But let me reassure the critics: You are wrong. Once you’ve gotten a good look at Giancarlo Stanton’s lascivious tush, you won’t be worrying about baseball anymore, if you catch my drift.”
At press time, the NFL unveiled a new brain cam to highlight players’ ravishing CTE.
