Three months after falling in love at first sight, Justin Balas ’15 and the Sharpe Refectory soft-serve ice cream machine now report having a loveless relationship.
Balas first saw the dispenser across a crowded room during orientation and instantly felt a powerful attraction. “We were in the middle of a conversation and he just trailed off, staring,” reminisced Paul Cates ’15, a friend of Balas. “He started drooling a little and then he said something about soul mates.”
Since that first meeting, however, Balas and the ice cream machine have grown increasingly distant, remaining together out of a sense of duty rather than the fiery desire that marked their early courtship.
In a private interview with the Noser, Balas lamented the lack of intimacy and passion in his relationship. “We used to do it every day. Sometimes even two or three times in a day. Now I feel lucky if I get the energy to do it once or twice a week. And it’s not creative or interesting anymore — just plain vanilla. Maybe vanilla-chocolate.”
Balas has reportedly begun fantasizing about Ben & Jerry’s, even going so far as to imagine eating it while he has the Refectory’s soft serve.
The soft-serve ice cream machine has been unaffected by the tumultuous relationship, as it is a soft-serve ice cream machine.
While no fights have broken out yet, other students in line for ice cream report numerous long, weighty silences and reproachful glares. “He takes his dairy products seriously, that’s for sure,” said Olivia Hess ’14, who has witnessed the drama unfolding over the last several weeks. “He’s always, like, talking to the ice cream. And then crying afterwards.”
“Poor guy. I just hope he knows true love is out there somewhere. Though I’d prefer it if he didn’t try to find it between me and my dessert.”