Sources report that area man Freddy Bunch is working his way through a large kale salad like a prize heifer grazing in a grassy meadow. “I’ve been eating this salad for almost an hour now,” noted Bunch, grinding the fibrous leaves between his teeth and vacantly staring into the distance like a cow methodically chewing its cud. “I feel like I still haven’t made much of a dent, though.” At press time, Bunch was diving headfirst into a buffet like a blue-ribbon sow slurping from its trough.

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