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Saying he felt like a lesser man for not being able to figure out he had mono, a shaken Dave Roberts admitted to reporters on Thursday that he felt emasculated by his doctor’s superior knowledge of his own body. “Doctor Markowitz checked the swollen glands on my neck with more familiarity and comfort than I’ve ever had in my 37 years with my physical self,” Roberts said after ripping off the Band-Aid that reminded him he had no choice in getting his blood drawn and that he was entirely ignorant of how that blood was to be tested. “When he prescribed an antibiotic without a moment’s hesitation, I realized that this man knows more about the inner-workings of my body than I ever will, even though I’d only met him a minute ago. I’ve never felt so humiliated in my life.” At press time, Roberts had decided he’d rather die of mono than give in and fill the prescription like a weakling.
