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The Brown Noser

Man Not Holding Handrail On Subway Must Have Cerebellum Of God

Published Friday, December 6th, 2019

Awed witnesses report that since subway commuter Frank Murphy is not holding a handrail, he must be endowed with the balance and coordination of a divine being. Murphy’s mythological motor control was put on full display on his morning commute via the A train.

“When I saw that man’s raw ability to stand up straight, despite all the normal subway jerks, I knew he just had to have the finely-tuned cerebellar synapses of some supreme deity,” said fellow commuter Sydney Price.

“No matter what the ailing New York subway infrastructure threw his way, this seraph’s immaculate brainstem kept him perfectly postured, all the way from 4th to 42nd St. It was absolutely miraculous!”

Mass speculation abounded about the source of Murphy’s superhuman ability. “I could only assume that the man was sired by the great Hermes, god of athleticism and agility, during one of the deity’s many trysts amongst the mortals,” continued a bewildered Price.

At press time, Murphy’s mortal side was revealed as he struggled helplessly to scan his MetroCard.

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