Area man Jeremy Lynndoff guilty withdrew his finger from his nose while scrolling through the news Friday night, eyewitnesses report. The abrupt moment of self-awareness, and rapid extraction of a finger from his nasal passageway, came while reading a particularly grim New York Times article.

“I was reading this one piece emphasizing how critical it is for us to flatten the curve,” Lyndoff recounted, still feeling sheepish about his egregious lapse of judgment. “Then all of a sudden, I had the horrifying realization that my finger was currently in my nose. Of course, I quickly pulled it out of there, and felt pretty bad about it.”

Lyndoff emphasized that he had been doing everything possible to help curb the pandemic. “I’ve minimized social interaction, sanitized packages, and been good about wearing masks outside,” he explained, struggling to remember why his finger was in his nose in the first place. “But in that moment of weakness, I brought every single microorganism I’ve touched today into contact with my nostril.”

“C’mon Jeremy, be better,” an exasperated Lyndoff muttered as he face-palmed himself.

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