Local theatre student, Simon Columbi, would reportedly be a banker if his father wasn’t so warm and emotionally available.

“It’s like every time I bring up that, you know, I don’t want to just follow the path laid out in front of me, he sits me down for a long talk,” said Columbi, referencing their numerous heart to hearts about following an artistic passion. “There I am, about to say what I really want to be, and he cuts me off with some breathing exercises, then we feelings dump until I don’t have the emotional energy to tell him that I really want to try quantitative modeling.”

Columbi, who starred in the recent production of “Rent,” has taken to sneaking out of rehearsals to practice his true passion: pivot tables.

“Once, I think my dad saw me messaging Goldman Sachs on Handshake,” said Columbi, pulling out his phone to respond to his fathers daily text of affirmation. “It really scared me because I don’t want to let him down or lose this concept he has of me.”

Additional sources report that a student concentrating in Environmental Science would be studying Business if it wasn’t for her socially conscious upbringing.

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